saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
