My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
