the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
