dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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