you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize