Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I want a musical about memes.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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