I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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