I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
