Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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