He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
