A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
