I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
