I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's blow job season.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
