The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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