shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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