when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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