I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
