Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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