is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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