Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
