i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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