If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
