Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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