I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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