I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
