I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We talked him into tasing himself.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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