First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
