I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
