omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
