I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
