You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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