Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
COCAINE IS GR8
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
