new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
not ubering you a puppy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
