omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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