peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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