I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
