He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
