Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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