oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
