Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My bed smells like the plague
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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