Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
