We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
