Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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