the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
