Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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