I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
