Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
