YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
