my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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