Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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