question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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