I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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