My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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