2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
