I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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