I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm sobbing to NWA
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My life is pants optional.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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