So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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