I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
