ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You may now shotgun with the bride
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
