I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
...so i touched it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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